Experts say balance is key when it comes to romance, technologyFeb. 12, 2007
By LAURA LEIGH BROOKS
Special to The Hays Daily News
You made dinner reservations online from the office, called the florist on your cell phone from the gym and texted your sweetie a sweet nothing on the drive home (while waiting at a stoplight, of course). Technology has set you up for a perfect evening with your Valentine. But now it’s time to turn it off — turn it all off, because while our cell phones, laptops and PDAs are great at bridging the gap while we’re apart, they’re not so great at keeping us connected when we’re together.
“When we’re trying to cultivate intimacy, media sometimes gets in the way,” says Glenn Sparks, professor of communication at Purdue University. “It’s about allocation of attention. We have a high need to feel understood, and it’s hard to feel understood when the other person is splitting their attention between you and the TV or between you and the computer.”
Sparks and colleague Hannah Kirk recently completed a study in which they asked groups of friends to sit in a waiting room; some groups waited with the TV on, some waited with it off. The researchers found that talking and eye contact were reduced dramatically among the friends who waited with the TV on. These subjects also reported less satisfaction with their conversations in the waiting room than did their no-TV counterparts.
“It’s a caution sign for the way media may interfere with our conversations,” Sparks said. “There are many ways technology can shrink the distance between us, but be aware of the times it can be disruptive.”
According to an annual Valentine’s survey conducted by Cingular Wireless, 38 percent of those polled said a date answered his or her cell phone during a great dinner conversation, and 31 percent said they had done the same. Twenty-eight percent of respondents said they have used text messaging to avoid conversation.
“People often use text messages to show their negative feelings rather than talking face-to-face,” said Australian researcher and clinical psychologist Natalie Robinson. “This might be because text messages are less confrontational and more distant.”
Robinson also notes that for many, text messaging is a way of keeping tabs on their partner.
“The receiver of this message may interpret it in a number of ways, such as ‘my partner cares about me and just wants to know what I’m doing’ or alternatively, ‘my partner is suspicious and doesn’t trust me,’ ” she said.
When used judiciously, though, text messages and e-mails might let you in on slices of your partner’s day to which you might otherwise not be privy. As one woman put it, “Texting allows my husband and I to peek in on each other, even though we work across town from each other and don’t reconvene until evening. The immediacy of it seems to encourage him to tell me little things that I know he wouldn’t tell me in person at the end of a long day.”
“My wife and I e-mail each other many times during the day,” said Andy Stanton, assistant professor of communication at Fort Hays State University. “Not all of those are love notes, but it is an easy, unobtrusive way to keep connected with the one you love.”
On the other hand, Stanton advises that there is a time and place for everything.
“When I asked one of my communication classes this question (Can technology thwart intimacy?), we decided that you should definitely turn off the cell phone when on a date and should definitely not text message your friends while your date is in the bathroom!”
Stanton also said technology never will replace interpersonal communication.
“These tools are a nice addition to one-on-one time,” he says, “but they’re no substitute for the face-to-face communication all humans need.”
Sparks agrees.
“It’s a great gift to your significant other when you show you care enough about them to tune in fully to them,” he said. “It’s a way of non-verbally communicating, ‘Right now there is nothing more important to me than you,’ and that’s a great message to send to the person you love.”
Source: The Hays Daily News: "Experts say balance is key when it comes to romance, technology
